Why the fuck my life is so fucking good?
I’m the kind of person that if you would see me walking down the street, you wouldn’t think twice about me. I look like a normal guy in his early 20’s – some would say clean-cut.
What they don’t see is who I actually am. If they knew I am sure they would be baffled at how I am still alive. I’ve spent my entire life trying to hide the fact that I was fucking miserable, and I did a pretty damn good job at it. I have a decent amount of mental disorders, but from the outside you wouldn’t be able to tell.
From a very young age I learned to put on a face so that no one would know what I was going through. I thought I had to, all I wanted to do was fit in, to be apart of something, but who the fuck would want someone who constantly thought of killing themselves, no one right? At least that’s what I told myself, I thought that this was the only way I was ever going to be accepted. So I walked through life pretending to be whoever I thought was good enough to make friends with all these different groups of people, not foreseeing the toll it would take on me down the line I just kept putting on these interchangeable masks. And on the outside I would turn into anyone I wanted to and no one would ever know.
No matter how much I tried to be someone else on the outside I could never truly change who I was on the inside, no matter what group of people I was around, and how much they brought me into their group, I was always alone. and I never could really understand why that was… now looking back it’s so fucking obvious, but I couldn’t see it. As fucked up as this sounds at some level I almost enjoyed being fucking miserable, it’s all I really knew, and I found it comforting. Some part of me always wanted to know how it was to actually be happy but just the thought of it scared the shit out of me. I never really thought it would be a possibility but what the fuck did I know anyway… let me tell you, I DIDN’T KNOW SHIT!! But I sure as hell acted like I knew everything.
I mean what would people think of me if I didn’t know everything? I mean why the fuck would anyone want to be around someone who was as clueless as me? The fear of what everyone would think of me took over and I couldn’t let that happen, I couldn’t let anyone know so, you guessed it I put on that mask and tried to convince the world that I was all-knowing. And once again I had no fucking clue why I felt so alone, the lack of self-awareness I had back then is astonishing, everything I was going through was a fucking mystery, I had no idea how to handle it and why it was happening in the first place.
To my surprise, when I actually started to work on myself, things started to get better, crazy right? I know, who would have thought that would happen? Because I sure as hell didn’t, but it helped and after a while of taking suggestions and not giving up, things started to look up, and the more I did it the better things got, for the first time in my life I didn’t have to put on a mask, for the first time in my life I can actually be myself, my true self, the one I didn’t even know existed. And now I don’t have to hide it when I’m not doing so good, this new life I have has allowed me to be honest with people and not give a fuck about what they think of me.
Why is my life so fucking good? You tell me…